The following is an excerpt from Andrew Brunson’s Feast Sermon.

This is a special day for me personally, because on October 12, 2018 – four years ago – I was standing before judges in a Turkish courtroom. They had just convicted me as a terrorist, and I was waiting for them to sentence me. And I didn’t know if I would see my wife or family again…

I had read biographies of my spiritual heroes and what they suffered for the Lord, and they apparently had wonderful victories during their time in prison, or different kinds of suffering they had. And in my personal walk with God, I had been pursuing His presence for years. So, I had an expectation that if I go to prison, it will be difficult. It will be lonely. I will have grief at times. But I’ll also have a sense of joy. And I’ll have a sense of strength. And I’ll have a sense of grace. And certainly, I will have a sense of God’s presence. After all, I had run after His presence for years…

So, what really surprised me when I landed in prison is that I began very quickly to break in so many ways. I’d been a relatively tough missionary. We’d been planting churches for years in a Muslim country… We had bomb threats, we had death threats. I had been attacked by gunmen once, and we had counted the cost. So, I was surprised when I broke so quickly. I was in solitary confinement, Then I was put into a prison cell built for eight people. There were 22-23 of us in that crowded cell. All my cellmates were Muslims. I didn’t have any other believer with me during my time in prison, and the only Christian contact was with my wife.

So, I was very isolated, and I began to have a lot of questions… Where was God? I lost all sense of His presence. I lost His voice. And I was deeply wounded by this. I thought, how can this happen? …Now objectively, I can say God didn’t abandon me. But it really, really felt that way. I felt like I was living in a very dark silence during that entire two years in prison… And I actually began to doubt His existence… I began to question His character, His love, His faithfulness and goodness, and His truth… Now all of this came from a wounded heart. It came because I was offended at God, because He didn’t meet my expectations…

Now, I’m not here to tell you about my brokenness. I’m here to tell you about God rebuilding me. One of the things I want to underline is how dangerous the offended heart can be, and where it can lead us… And what changed is that toward the end of the first year, I just had a picture in my mind of the valley of testing… of believers who had failed in their tests. I’m not talking about whether they go to heaven or not. But they failed in their relationship with God when they were under pressure.

And I began to just cry out to God: “I don’t want to end up like this. I’m so close to failure. I’m so close to losing my relationship with You.” And I determined to fight. I can’t do much to fight for my freedom physically, but I can fight for my relationship with God. I said… “God, if You never release me from this place, I will still follow You.” And I made the decision to turn my eyes toward Jesus. And many times in the darkness and at my lowest points, I had to make this decision again and again… And sometimes in my weakness, the most I could do was turn one degree in His direction, just barely, because I’m weak, I’m broken, just barely turn in His direction. But turning one degree toward Him, rather than one degree away from Him, is all the difference in the world.

So, it seems to me that God is looking for those who will overcome offense, those who will press through doubt and confusion, and through their hurt. By doing this, they’ll prove their devotion and their allegiance to Jesus and prove, in a sense, they’re worthy of Him.